i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
