So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
