I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
