How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
