Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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