i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
