just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
