Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize