I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize