i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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