Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
