My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I love you. Go after that dick
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
