Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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