Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
dude. I can hear the air.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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