Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
