So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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