My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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