I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
