if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
