I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
How external is "for external use only"?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
