The maid of honor just puked.
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
