i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize