Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
