i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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