So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
