even my farts smell like vagina
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
