Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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