just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's rum buckets o'clock
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
