i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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