gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
