The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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