GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
