My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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