Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
