I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
