she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
