He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
