i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
