Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just pee around me
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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