Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
