My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
