Someone shit on the floor
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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