he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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