I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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