Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
