I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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