You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
