I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
