the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
you win again, gameday.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
