sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
