I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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