cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I need to calm my uterus...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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