My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
