I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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