If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Randomize
