This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
