I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize