I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
