3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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