I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
