My cat gives me a boner
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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