I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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