Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
