So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
