are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
